500 Words a Week - The Weight of Pretending

It was my birthday.

My wife had booked a surprise meal for us in a nice restaurant.

We were heading there, arms linked, walking towards the underground.

Feelings of weightedness started. Like there was someone pushing down on my chest and shoulders.

We got the lift to the platform, and waited for the tube.

The heaviness continued. Followed by a shrinking of the self. Like I was a person living in a shell.

We boarded the tube, it was an average degree of busy. We chose to stand so we would have more room.

The feelings built, surmounting in knowing I couldn’t go to dinner.

We got off one stop after getting on. We sat on a bench. I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t communicate how I was feeling. I just said I couldn’t go and I would like to go home.

We got the next tube back. I was quiet. I was going through an internal battle. I’d just ruined our nice evening plans, and I couldn’t even communicate how I was feeling.

We got back to our station. We were walking home. The same route we had only walked down 5-10 minutes ago. Gone the excitement of a birthday celebration, only to be replaced with a silence of things unsaid.

Got up the stairs. Unlocked the door. Think one step at a time. Managed to get my shoes off. Sunk onto the bed. Curled into a ball. Just wanted to feel normal.

I knew I could no longer pretend everything was ok. I knew I needed to do something. I knew I needed to change.

Fast forward a few years, I’ve changed career paths. I’ve spoken with people, I’ve been honest. While the feelings of uncertainty about the future are still there. There is an understanding that they may always be there and I am now trying to take control over my own path.

It’s interesting the feelings that are elicited within us when we aren’t living a life that resonates with us. When we may find ourselves portraying an image. We create an inner turmoil, an inner battle. We try to bury down the voice telling us something isn’t right, as we continue to try to hammer our lives into the shape we think is expected of us or what is deemed successful.

There’s a powerful internal shift when you start trying to take control of your life. When you realise you have the agency to start to make changes. That you don’t need anyone's permission.

"Once the soul awakens, the search begins and you can never go back. From then on, you are inflamed with a special longing that will never again let you linger in the lowlands of complacency and partial fulfillment." - John O’Donohue

If you’ve experienced feelings like the above, I would encourage you to reach out. To try to talk to someone. To try to communicate your feelings. We aren’t alone in our struggles. There’s a wonderful world out there of people who just want the best for you. We can lose sight of this when we are stuck in our head.

Speak out, take action, make a change.