500 Words a Week - Toughness
A word we frequently come upon in the sporting world. A word which we use to gauge several of our athletes and a word we may use to justify certain practices and drills. Steve Magness argues we’ve got toughness all wrong in “Do Hard Things”.
“For too long, our definition of toughness revolved around a belief that the toughest individuals are the ones who have thick skin, fear nothing, constrain any emotional reaction, and hide all signs of vulnerability.”
This version of toughness has seeped into most aspects of life, then causing poor practices for how we look to develop this trait in individuals.
“Somewhat ironically, teaching, parenting, or coaching for this version of toughness creates fragile and dependent individuals.”
“We’ve fallen for a kind of fake toughness that is: control and power driven, developed through fear, fuelled by insecurity, and based on appearance over substance.”
We know the type of people, the type who put forward a masquerade of toughness from a place of insecurity, who bias appearance of toughness over substance.
“Real toughness is experiencing discomfort or distress, leaning in, paying attention, and creating space to take thoughtful action. It’s navigating discomfort to make the best decision you can.”
When think of toughness and trying to establish this in people, one of our first thoughts goes to the military. Intense, gruelling and demanding training pushing people to the brink of breaking down. What our traditional viewpoint of toughness has forgotten is the training and support those within the military receive before and around these intense training exercises.
We think of the authoritative coach, placing incredibly high standards and demands on their athletes. How many countless videos have we seen of a coach being tough an athlete, being demanding, we see these videos constantly put in front of us and think this is the way we must be to develop toughness. What these videos rarely show is the other side that works in tandem, the supportive and empowering side.
“What does a football player who learns to push himself only when a coach is screaming in his face do when it’s him alone on the field?”
As mentioned above, learning out of a place of fear, fear of punishment for not seeming tough causes weak and fragile individuals. Individuals who are dependent on being told how high to jump, rather than fostering independent thinkers.
“Real toughness is about providing the tool set to handle adversity. It’s teaching. Fake toughness creates fragility, responding out of fear, suppressing what we feel, and attempting to press onward no matter the situation or demands.”
True, we do want to expose people to uncomfortable and difficult situations, but we want to provide them with the support they need so they know they have the power to make the decision in these difficult situations. If the wrong decision is made, it’s a learning moment, we support the person through this. Not create an environment under the false pretence of “toughness” where a person is paralyzed to make a decision for fear of doing the wrong thing.
