500 Words a Week - Taming Your Advice Monster

In his Ted Talk, Michael Bungay Stanier talks about how our advice monster always has something to say.

There’s nothing wrong with advice. The problem is when giving advice becomes our default response. This has become a habit, an advice-giving habit.

There are three ways advice giving goes bad. 1, you’re busy solving the wrong problem, the first challenge that comes up is very rarely the real challenge. 2, your advice is not nearly as good as you think it is. 3, if you’re on the receiving end of advice, you are constantly getting the message that you can’t figure this out yourself. If you’re on the other side, and giving out advice, you are disempowering people.

When someone starts talking, our advice monster rears its head saying, “I have something to say to add value”.

The advice monster has three personas. The first, “Tell It”, the only way that you add value is to have all the answers, all the answers to all the things and you must share them, if you don’t you fail. 2, “Save It”, your job, your only job is to save everybody, if anybody struggles you must save them, you must step in. 3, “Control It”, the only way you win is to maintain control at all times, don’t let go, the only way you fail is if you relinquish control.

Michael states that when your advice monster is in control, you are saying you are better than the other person, you are saying they are not up for it, you are saying they are not good enough. When your advice monster is in control, you lose your connection with your humanity, your empathy, your compassion and sense of vulnerability, you start using your answers as your armour.

So how do we tame our advice monster?

Can you stay curious a little bit longer. Questions. Asking questions, is the light that holds back the advice monster.

Upon having a conversation with someone who is asking for advice, rather than rushing to give our advice, we can ask three questions.

1, What’s the real challenge here for you?

At the start of conversation, neither party really know what’s going on. The best thing is to both work towards trying to find the real problem.

2, And what else?

The first answer someone gives is rarely what is really bothering them.

3, What do you want?

When you get clear on what you want, it becomes the action for progress.

The challenge is to replace an old habit with a new habit. An advice-giving habit, with a being curious habit. When we do this, we empower people by helping them find their own answer, their own path, and invite them to step up.