500 Words a Week - Managing Conflict
What can we learn from unhappy and happily married couples?
In “Supercommunicators” by Charles Duhigg, in discussing conflict, particularly conflict between happy and unhappy couples a central premise pops in around the discussion. This premise is the feeling of control. Charles references a study looking at conflict in married couples. When we look at this concept of control in conflict, both unhappy and happy married couples struggle with this concept of control. They both sought to assert control in very different ways. “Among unhappy couples, the impulse for control often expressed itself as an attempt to control the other person”. Phrases such as “Don’t use that tone with me”, “Don’t even go there”, “You need to stop talking right now”, occurred in one unhappy couple’s conversation recorded by the researchers. We can see as highlighted above, attempts at controlling the other person in the conflict.
“Among happy couples, however, the desire for control emerged quite differently. Rather than trying to control the other person, happy couples tended to focus, instead, on controlling themselves, their environment, and the conflict itself.” Happy couples sought to control their own emotions during conflict. They understood when breaks were needed to calm down. They slowed down the fight to aid with self-control and self-awareness. Happy couples looked to control the environment, such as understanding that it’s best not to argue late in the evening when everyone is tired, instead they mutually agreed to have a discussion in morning when both parties are rested. Happy couples also focused on controlling the boundaries of the conflict itself, they make a fight as small as possible and don’t allow it to bleed into other fights. Whereas unhappy couples allow one conflict to roll into another, picking at the scabs of old wounds.
If during times of conflict, we keep the three principles of control above in mind, controlling ourselves, our environment, and the boundaries of the conflict, “then a fight often morphs into a conversation”, where the goal is understanding, rather than winning points or wounding our foes.
Upon reading this we may internally think we don’t look to control others. We don’t say things such as those phrases from above, yet Charles warns us that sometimes we can be trying to exert control without even realizing it. “We think we’re simply stating our opinion, or offering advice, and don’t understand that others will perceive it as attempting to strong-arm a conversation’s direction”.
We must remind ourselves that the real goal of conflict is understanding the why to which it has come about, why it exists in the first place. Understanding this element of control amidst conflict, allows us to turn conflict into a conversation, to delve deeper into why we are both feeling the way we are. To understand the other person’s thoughts, feelings and wishes without looking to “win” the conflict.
