500 Words a Week - Fear of Other People’s Opinions

“A lion doesn’t turn around when a small dog barks.”

African Proverb

This blog is inspired by a recent podcast Michael Gervais was on. Gervais is a high-performance psychologist and wrote a wonderful article in the Harvard Business Review, which the below quotes are taken from.

Fear of other people’s opinions, or FOPO as Gervais refers to it, is a growing issue. “Concern about what others think is an irrational, unproductive, and unhealthy obsession—and a big contributor to the general anxiety people feel at work.”

“FOPO is an exhaustive attempt to interpret what others are thinking in an effort to preempt a negative evaluation by them. It is not the actual negative opinion that is so problematic—it’s the fear of it.”

Where does FOPO stem from? Think back to our ancestors, when our main worry was our survival. Remaining in a group was important, you could share resources, help each other in times of illness, and protect each other from other tribes or the abundance of dangerous large animals looking for an easy meal. Therefore, we were distinctly aware of how others perceived us. If others thought you were responsible for a failed hunt, or not pulling our weight for the tribe, you were at risk of being ostracized. But now, our survival is rarely at stake, yet the same threat response frequently gets triggered throughout our day.

“With the proliferation of social media and our overreliance on external rewards, metrics, and validation, the pressure to succeed is intense and FOPO is even more acute.”

Gervais states that FOPO also stems from our identify, our subjective sense of self. We can either have a performance-based identity or a purpose-based identity.

Performance based identity means we define ourselves by how well we do something relative to others. No matter how well we actually do, our identity must constantly be strengthened by external validation and praise from others. This is leads to three negatives traits, a contingent self-worth, a looming fear of failure, and perfectionism.

“A healthier alternative is to cultivate a purpose-based identity. Purpose is an internally derived, generalized intention that has intrinsic value for you but is also bigger than you. Purpose becomes the filter through which we arrive at decisions, establish priorities, and make choices. Instead of asking ourselves “Am I liked?” or “Do people think highly of my work?” our reference point becomes “Am I being true to my purpose?”

If people continue “to define themselves by their performance, their identities will be built on a house of sand. How well we do at anything in life shifts and changes. Basing our sense of self on performance and the approbation that comes with it creates a petri dish for stress, anxiety, and depression.”

Gervais states that the greatest prevention of FOPO is having a clear sense of self and a strong purpose. How do we then begin to cultivate this in ourselves? Gervais recommends us to start by answering the following the question:

What motivates you to do what you do?

What inspires you to work harder?

What vision do you hold for your future?