500 Words a Week - Building True Confidence

In “Do Hard Things” by Steve Magness, Steve talks about how the old model for how we were told to build confidence was wrong. The old model associated confidence with the external, with projecting fake images of confidence as we attempted to puff up our chest. The old model of confidence involved giving the advice we have all heard before, “believe in yourself”.

“We’ve fallen for the Instagram version of confidence, emphasising the projection of belief, instead of working on the substance underneath”.

We were falsely led to believe that feelings of doubt and insecurity weren’t a natural part of the human experience. That we had to look to get rid of them immediately. Rather than understanding that these feelings are completely normal. This chasticing of these negative emotions only makes us feel worse, as when we are going through them and all we’ve been told is that they aren’t normal, we then get a further sense that there must be something wrong with us. When in reality, what we are experiencing is a completely normal and expected part of being human.

How do we look to build true confidence?

“True confidence has to be found in reality, and it comes from inside. It’s not in ignoring the human condition of experiencing doubt and insecurity, but coming to terms with them and what you’re capable of.”

Further wrong advice we have been given over the years is “fake it until you make it”. As we look to plaster an image of confidence over the internal cracks of doubt we feel. Rather than accept that these doubts are part of who we are.

Where we went wrong is in striving for the feeling of confidence, instead of developing confidence as a by-product of our actions. Lasting confidence doesn’t come from being told we are doing a good job, or repeatedly trying to puff up our chest, it comes from doing actual work. “Confidence is doing difficult things, sometimes failing, but seeing where you lie, and then going back to work.”

When we base our confidence around receiving external rewards and praise, it’s fragile, it’s based on something over which we have little control. We hide from failure, we hide from challenge as our fickle image of confidence we have created won’t last if we fail.

“Confidence simply means having security in knowing that you can accomplish whatever is within your capabilities.”

This comes from experience. This comes from routinely putting yourself in difficult and challenging situations, and regardless of outcome, understanding you got through them and now it’s time to get back to work. You didn’t shy away when things started to get tough. 

It’s gained from focusing and understanding what we can control and not worrying about the rest. We aim to develop consistency, and accept that not every day will result in a breakthrough moment, but if we keep showing up adding layer upon layer to our identity we begin to develop internal confidence. We take a hard look at ourselves and aim to understand where we are and what our capacities are. We are honest with ourselves, and look to identify where we need further work. True confidence is found in doing the work. Not in doing the work from a place of fear of failure, as then insecurity pervades. “When the work is done in the name of getting better, of enjoying the process, of searching for mastery of the craft, then confidence gradually grows.”

“To gain confidence, put in the work from a place of growth, not fear. Boldness is earned, not assumed.”